Blame and Responsibility

There’s a huge difference between blame and responsibility. Blame doesn’t have acceptance connected to it, and it suggests that someone is at fault. What’s important to understand is that people who tend to blame will look for anything that is not in line with their rigid beliefs.

Blamers hold on to inflexible belief systems, and they feel threatened when you do things that question their small thinking.

When everyone agrees with one another on these belief systems instead of developing our thinking to consider new beliefs, we stay stuck in the inadequate belief model.

Being blamed for something makes you feel guilty. Instead of letting the feeling take hold of you, try to understand the other person’s belief, and chose to let go of the guilt by giving back what belongs to the blamer in a loving and caring way, and taking responsibility for what belongs to you.

Taking responsibility simply means you acknowledge you have not done the best you could. You know you’ve made a mistake, but you forgive yourself, and do everything you can to fix the mess you’ve made.

The compassion you use to taking responsibility gives you power, confidence, and lets you grow better beliefs. Your new beliefs will help you express positive intentions, and search for the best solution when a challenge is presented to you.

It’s hard to not blame other people, and when we do, it’s time to look at our own set of beliefs. Maybe they’re great beliefs, but they simply do not align with the other person’s beliefs. If that’s the case, understand the dichotomy, and share compassion with the person about her challenging and frustrating problem.

 

Our Default Self vs Habit Design

People rarely change their behaviour for good. Your brains tend to revert to your old ways of thinking and doing. The old pathways are still there and because they are so familiar to you, you use them when you’re not paying attention.

The habits you most recently acquired are the ones most likely to go first. The enemy of your brand new habit is your past behaviour.

There are a few things you must do if you want your new shiny habit to stick.

The behaviour you’re trying to make into a habit needs to be repeated  often, and/or must be perceives as having a high degree of utility. This means the behaviour needs to give you great pleasure, or help you avoid pain.

Indeed, a behaviour that provides minimal perceived benefit can become a habit just because you repeat it often.

Science has yet to determine the length of time it takes to form new habits. If you read it takes 21 days or 6 months to form a new habit, these are just myths that have been debunked many times already.

Habits are wonderful tools that can help you create a rich life. If you carefully plan which habits you want to establish, you’ll get more success in making your dreams come true.

Combine the formula to creating habits with frequency, perceived benefits, focus, and persistence will most definitely turn you into a master habit maker. The formula that creates habits (good or bad) is a follow:

Cue -> Behaviour -> Reward = Habit

If you think habits are boring, that you hate routines, and you think you are living your life with spontaneity now, think again. You are already living at least 40% your life through a routine. If you didn’t design the habits yourself, chances are other people — your boss, clients, marketers, spouse, children, friends, family, yogi master — have done it for you.

 

There’s no Such Thing as Time Management

Time management is not logical. It looks like it is when you put it down on paper, or on your favourite time management application, but really, time management is emotional. How you choose to spend your time is based on how you feel.

No one can manage time. Time passes. You got to deal with that fact. You can’t change it, and you can’t do anything about it. Can’t get back in the past, can’t go into the future. Only the now can be used to do/feel/say something.

So, it’s just another case of using the wrong words. Creating an extra hour a day? That’s impossible. Everybody gets 24h/day. What we’re really managing here are the things we do, the feelings we feel, and the things we say.

When I do what’s important instead of what’s urgent, I’m managing both my tasks and my feelings. Doing what’s important will make me feel proud, confident, and free. If I’m responding to urgency, I’ll get behind in my important things, and will be stressed, tired, and anxious.

That’s why I got into the habit of using an hour or two every day to do, feel, and say the important things without interruption from anyone or anything.

Instead of trying to manage time, which is impossible, I choose to manage myself, and take responsibility for the life I have created through the time I was given.

Are you trying to manage time, or do you manage yourself?

 

P.S.: May the 4th be with you!

Can this Work for me?

You hear or read something that would be empowering if only you didn’t try to find a scenario where it didn’t work. Or, someone tells you exactly how you can change something you’ve been struggling with by sharing their stories, but noooo! It wouldn’t work for you, your situation is way too different.

You do this because your focus is not at the right place. You focus on the problem. You know the problem with rich and vivid details. You can explain it with precision. This habit keeps you from focusing your time and energy on what’s important: the lesson and the solution.

When you’re in the known, even if it’s painful, you feel secure. A solution would make you go into the unknown, so you fight it. You find the one reason why it wouldn’t work, you explain it in details, instead of just trying the solution. What’s the worst that could happen if you tried it? And an even better question would be, can this work for me?

I’ve done this too often. Sometimes, because my focus was on the problem, but other times because Mrs Ego was in the way. I thought that I could solve my problem by myself without anybody’s help. Instead of trying the other person’s solution, I would shake it off using all kinds of excuses.

Have you done this, and how do you fight the urge to discard a good solution or something empowering?

 

 

Excuses

Excuses are stories you tell yourself when you’ve failed at something and you want to feel better in the moment instead of feeling the pain from the failure. When you tell yourself excuses, you aren’t learning anything.

Yes, it’s hard to admit you made a mistake, but it’s making you grow so much more if you do. The realization and self-reflection that results from staying in the moment without making any excuses is the best way to make yourself grow into a better person.

When someone uses an excuse to explain why he/she failed, you might encourage them in their story. That’s probably because you don’t want them to feel ashamed for their mistake, and instead of exposing them out, you pretend to believe their lame story.

Helping someone to realize and learn from their mistake is a hard task. But if you are true to ourself, and you practice being in the moment when you screw up, you can guide that person in doing the same thing. You have empathy, and you know it hurts, so you’re more able to help that someone through realization and growth from their own mistakes.

Excuses exempt you from your responsibilities. They give you permission to behave badly, to make more mistakes, or to repeat the same mistake over and over.

When you make up excuses, you live in a parallel universe where reality is distorted to prevent you from feeling discomfort.

Assuming your mistakes will free you from guilt, make you stronger, and will always make you a respectable person. You’ll become more humble and real.

Everyone makes up stories about why they took this decision, or made that mistake. What’s yours? How can you turn it around to tell yourself the truth?

You Give me so Much

Every day, I write in my gratitude journal. If you’d flip through the pages, you’d see that there’s a pattern, there are things that always come back. For example, the love I share with my friends and family, the opportunities to be and do so much this amazing era gives us, my fans, peace, and nature.

I limit myself to write only 5 things each day. If I didn’t, I’d probably spend the whole day writing things which I’m grateful for… I’d feel good, but not very productive because there’s so much to be grateful for!

Every day, even if I don’t write it down, I feel so lucky to have you in my life. You write me emails, send tweets and facebook messages, you comment the crazy thoughts on my blog posts, and through all of that, I can feel your love and appreciation.

So I want to take this opportunity to remind you that I’m immensely thankful for your love, words of wisdom, and for being your beautiful self. You’ve helped me grow throughout the 13 years I’ve done this wonderful job, supported me even when I didn’t believe in myself, and we’ve shared ourself in more ways than I could ever imagine.

I’m humbled and grateful to you for having showed me that most people, even strangers, can care.

Thank you so much <3

 

Reality and Truth

Reality and truth can hurt. That’s why we try to avoid them most of the time. But the more we’re able to see the world and ourselves through a reality lens, the better we’re equipped to grow, to face the challenges the world throws at us, and to live a healthy life. If we choose to let our minds be clouded by lies, false perceptions, and illusions, we’ll be less likely to take the right decisions and actions.

Reality and truth are hard to grasp. Something we thought was the truth a year ago, isn’t real anymore. We need to consistently make quick adjustments to our vision of the world, and of ourselves. Everyday, we’re bombarded with information about the nature of reality. We’re constantly sorting this information, trying to discern what is real and what is not. It takes a lot of auto-discipline to keep up to date with reality!

What happens when we haven’t done any major adjustment in our vision of ourselves and of the world, but there is new information that invalidates our reality and we need to make changes? We get scared. Fear creeps in and we close our eyes, passively rejecting the new information. Or worse, we can start a crusade against the new information, trying to destroy them, manipulating them to make them concord with our false reality.

Constant and rigorous questioning can help us live a life that is real and be who we really are. It will create discomfort, but discomfort makes us grow, and growth is life. Challenging our own beliefs even when every fibres of our body goes against is the way to be unconditionally free.

What are old believes that keeps you from being free?

Discomfort is What’s Making You Grow

A low performing, low growth environment where you have to follow too many steps, always ask permission, and everything is scrutinized, or where chaos predominates, you’ll see your creativity hinder, it’ll stifle your independent thoughts and actions. You don’t want to be or stay there, where nothing grows.

A predictable environment is where you want to be some or most of the time. You know what’s going to happen when you perform certain actions, but know that whatever makes you comfortable will ruin your life. Indeed, when you always do or think the same way, you eventually stop growing. You’re like a goldfish in a small fish bowl.

In a state of discomfort, that’s where you’ll continually grow. It’s what’s giving you the push to start a new journey, or complete the one you’re already in. When you use your environment to promote growth, you’re like a goldfish in a pond. You’ll have sustainable and exponential growth if you consciously acknowledge discomfort.

 

There are ways discomfort can be triggered in your life.

It might be forced upon you. How much you’ll grow when discomfort is forced upon you– like when you get fired –will depend how you’ll react. Will you stay angry, or make excuses, or will you use this trigger to propel yourself?

It might be that someone helps you get there; a coach, a parent, a teacher, or a boss can push you deep into discomfort. The first reaction anyone has to this push is to intervene, trying to make the person feel good again. If you help the person to get back into comfort, you’re killing all the efforts made to promote her development.

Discomfort can also be triggered by yourself. When you don’t have a coach, teacher, or boss to push you, you have to do it yourself. This is hard because comfort is… comfortable!

What are ways that you use to push yourself into discomfort?

 

Your Dream Life

It might be easier than you think to make your dream life come true. You may believe you need millions of dollars, more time, or better health to achieve your desired life, but I’m sure that if you stop for a few minutes, and let your heart tell you what kind of life you really aspire to, you’d be surprised how easily accessible it is.

We make things bigger than they really are, and by doing that, we believe we can’t be, do, or have the things that make us light up. To counteract this false belief, I like to sit down regularly, and write about a simple day in my dream life. It helps me to make better choices, to have the courage to do bold things, and to make the appropriate sacrifices.

It’s also a good assessment of my current life vs my dream life. It emphasizes where the gaps are, so I can adjust my current life to have more of what my dream life is made of. It also shows me where the two lives unite, making me so much more grateful for everyone and everything I have right now.

Here’s a little excerpt from what I wrote this morning. This is not my first draft. Before it was perfect for me, I wrote lists of things I wanted in my life, I extensively tried to understand my core values, I deepened and acknowledge the stronger traits of my personality. I knew I hated it when things kept coming back in the many lists I created.

My dream is to wake up every morning to the sound of the birds singing, making coffee and drinking it while watching the amazing view outside of my home, and starting my day knowing I have no obligations but to make this day the most beautiful, passionate, and happy I can possibly can.

I’d then get dressed to go outside for a walk with my husband, letting my mind wander, listen and comment on the beauty of mother nature, and how grateful I am for who I became, and for everyone and everything I have I my life.

When we’d get back home, we’d have a healthy breakfast, talk about us, about what we aspire to be and do, look into each other’s eyes and say how much we love one another, as if there’d be no tomorrow.

Mornings are when I feel the most creative and energetic. I would unquestionably go straight to my studio, or pack my painting kit on my motorbike to explore my land, and find a nice place to paint. Each brush stroke would illuminate my eyes, make my heart race, and fill my soul with happiness.

In the afternoon, my choices of activities would vary between playing music with or without friends, go see friends or family members, cook healthy meals for days ahead, sell my paintings and everything that’s involved with that business, ride my motorbike or paint some more, exercise, learn new skills, and help someone who really needs it.

My evening would be relaxed. After a healthy dinner with my darling, we’d talk some more, make love, and I would read a great book before going to sleep.

Although I’ve let out many (personal and financial) details, you can get the essence of my dream life. It’s not complicated, it doesn’t cost millions of dollars, it promotes good health, strong relationships, and passion. It’s in perfect harmony with all my core values.

My brain has a clear image of my desires. It sees and analyzes all the opportunities that can make my dream life come true. All I have to do is listen, and act on the (electric) impulses, or messages, my brain sends me, making the gap between both lives get smaller every day.

Best of all, I’m already living many elements of my dream life. This reassures me;  I don’t live in the future, and I savour the present moment.

Does your brain know what kind of life you really want? And are you listening?

The Hard Things

This past week has been one of significant realization. I’ve learned that if I want to be or do something, achieve any goal I set out, I can’t wait to feel like doing what it takes. To make it through, there’s hard things to do, challenges, and obstacles and I have to FORCE myself to do them.

The problem is that my “old” brain doesn’t want to do the hard things. It sees the hard things, the challenges, and the obstacles as threats to my survival because they trigger stress in my mind and body. All it wants is to protect me, and keep me alive. It doesn’t know the difference between the hard things and a sabre tooth, so it will always try to tuck me out of doing something difficult by making me doubt, telling me stories about why I shouldn’t do it, and lie about the reasons why I can’t be or do it.

By being aware of this, I’ve been able to tell my “old” brain to shut up. Even better, I don’t give it a chance to say anything. I have my plan that guides me though what I have to do to become who I want to be, and to have what I want, and I just do it. If by mistake I take a little too long before I get going, and my “old” brain starts to ramble, I remind myself that I’ll never feel like doing it, and might as well do it right now and be done with it.

This process has started to build some serious discipline muscles. It has also been the most successful experiment I ever did. The results have been instantaneously visible. Instead of feeling guilty because I didn’t do what I had to do, and then rush to try to make it by the end of the day to finally fail, I’m relaxed, happy, and my hard things are done early in the day.

I’m sharing this because we all have dreams and goals, but we fail to make them come true, not because we’re a procrastinating lazy couch potato, but because we fail to understand how our brain works.

The post I wrote about “How to Get what You Want in 5 Seconds” will guide you through the information that changed the way I approached  my life’s dreams and goals. Listen to Mel and see your own life change!