From the comments on the post “Why Couples Stop Having Sex“, it may seem like it’s the woman who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. I hope you’ll trust that this is not the case, and that man also have loss of desire for sex. With this fact out of the way, lets see what turns us on.
Arousal is what turns the ons on and the offs off. It doesn’t say what counts as a signal to turn someone on or off. We learn what is sexually relevant to us through experience and culture.
That’s why some people are turned on by a slow and sensual blowjob, while others get aroused just by thinking about anal sex. Smell, touch, what you see, what you hear, what you think about can all be stimuli to get aroused.
You need a successful experience to tell your brain that what you just lived is sexually relevant. Your sexual excitation and inhibition systems can’t be learned from a book, only through experience.
The way male and female learn about sex is different. What is sexually relevant and is potentially a threat for men is not the same as for women. I know, who would’ve guessed?
Can we change our sexual excitation and inhibition systems? No, but yes. You can’t change the systems that much, but you can change what it responds to. You can change what your “brakes” consider a threat, and you can also increase the sexual relevant things in your life.
So, can couples want to have sex again? The answer is an absolute yes.
You may not want to read the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, so I’ll do it for you, and distill the essence in a few posts. Of course, reading the book would give you much more information to put into practice, and might guide you on a healing path.
P.S.: I think you guys are awesome and very open to post your comments on such an intimate subject. Thank you for your honesty!