Can Couples want to Have Sex Again?

From the comments on the post “Why Couples Stop Having Sex“, it may seem like it’s the woman who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. I hope you’ll trust that this is not the case, and that man also have loss of desire for sex. With this fact out of the way, lets see what turns us on.

Arousal is what turns the ons on and the offs off. It doesn’t say what counts as a signal to turn someone on or off. We learn what is sexually relevant to us through experience and culture.

That’s why some people are turned on by a slow and sensual blowjob, while others get aroused just by thinking about anal sex. Smell, touch, what you see, what you hear, what you think about can all be stimuli to get aroused.

You need a successful experience to tell your brain that what you just lived is sexually relevant. Your sexual excitation and inhibition systems can’t be learned from a book, only through experience.

The way male and female learn about sex is different. What is sexually relevant and is potentially a threat for men is not the same as for women. I know, who would’ve guessed?

Can we change our sexual excitation and inhibition systems? No, but yes. You can’t change the systems that much, but you can change what it responds to. You can change what your “brakes” consider a threat, and you can also increase the sexual relevant things in your life.

So, can couples want to have sex again? The answer is an absolute yes.

You may not want to read the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, so I’ll do it for you, and distill the essence in a few posts. Of course, reading the book would give you much more information to put into practice, and might guide you on a healing path.

P.S.: I think you guys are awesome and very open to post your comments on such an intimate subject. Thank you for your honesty!



Why Couples Stop Having Sex

I’ve been puzzled with the reasons why some couples, who love each other very much, who are attracted to each other, and where the relationship is thriving, would suddenly stop having sex, or find themselves not having sex as much as they would like to.

To understand this conflict, we have to understand how the sexual brain works. It has an “accelerator”, which responds to sexual stimulation, but it also has “brakes”. The “brakes” responds to every reason not to be turned on at this very moment. This is called the dual control model. How sensitive an individual is to the “brakes” and the “accelerator” impacts the way she/he responds to sex stimulation throughout the world, and they are connected to their moods and environment.

The dual control model is made of two elements.

The first one is the sexual excitation system, the “accelerator”. It computes the relevant sexual information in the environment: what you see, hear , smell, touch, taste, imagine. Then it sends a “Turn On!” signal to the genitals.

The second one is the sexual inhibition system, the “brakes”. There are two kinds of “brakes”: one that works like the “accelerator” by noticing everything in the environment that could be a threat, and thus sending a “Turn Off!” signal.

Both systems are working all day long to either turn us on or off.

The other kind of “brake” like a chronic, low-level “No thank you” signal. Where the first is a fear of consequences, the second is a fear of performance failure, as in worrying about not having an orgasm.

Once we know whether the problem is not enough stimulation to the “accelerator” or too much to the “brakes”, you can figure out how to create some changes.

We’re all the same because everyone has sexual “accelerator” and “brakes” in their nervous systems. We’re also all different because we have a distinct sensitivity to what arouses us.

Learn more about the dual control model in the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski.


Become a Master

Mastering any physical skill takes practice. Practicing is the repetition of an action with the goal of improvement that helps us perform with more ease, speed, and confidence.

Here’s a little bit of science to understand what happens when we practice things. You can skip this paragraph if you want to go straight to getting the most out of your practice time.

Our brain has two types of neural tissues. Gray matter, which processes information directing signals and sensory stimuli to nerve cells, and white matter, which is made of fatty tissues and nerve matters.

For our body to move, the information needs to travel from the grey matter down the spinal cord, to a chain of nerve fibers called axons in our muscles. The axons in the white matter are wrapped with a substance called myelin. This substance changes when you practice: it’s like black electric tape on electrical cables. It prevents energy loss from electrical signals that the brain uses, moving them more effectively along neural pathways.

When you repeat a physical motion, it increases the layers of myelin that insulates the axon. The more layer, the greater the insolation around the axon. This forms a sort of super highway for information that connects your brain to your muscles.

Muscles don’t have what is commonly referred to as muscle memory. It’s rather the increase of the myelin layers forming a better insolation that creates a faster and more efficient neural pathway that gives the impression of the muscle memory phenomenon.

Enough science for now.

Mastery isn’t simply about the hours you put into practice, but also the quality and effectiveness of your practice.

To be effective, practice must be consistent, intensely focused, and must target content or weaknesses that lies at the edge of your current abilities. 

Here’s how to get the most out of your practice time.

  • Focus on the task at end. Reduce all potential distractions like TV, computer and cell phone notifications.
  • Start slowly. You will build your coordination through correct or incorrect repetition. Try to gradually increase the speed of the correct repetitions.
  • Repeat frequently with a few breaks in between. You’ll be better off dividing your time for effective practice into many daily practice sessions of limited duration.
  • Once you have established a physical motion, you can reinforce it with vivid visualization. Practice by imagining your craft with as much detail as possible.

Enjoy becoming a master!

We’re Going to Mars

At the time I’m writing this, a little less than 119,000 people have viewed Elon Musk’s presentation on making humans a multi-planetary species on YouTube.

I’m puzzled as to understand why there aren’t more noise about this. No one seems to care that we’re finally going to Mars.

Is it out of disbelief? I mean, the guy who wants to send us to Mars is the founder of which merged into PayPal… And he made electric cars possible with Tesla. With such a great CV, I trust he will succeed in sending humans to Mars.

I admit, I do have fears for the faith of humanity about this project. Are we going to send our best humans to Mars, making Earth dumber, like the movie “Idiocracy” so brilliantly demonstrated.

Is the Mars colony going to revolt and declare World War III, or should I say Interplanetary War I?

And my greatest fear of all… Will my son want to go live on Mars? Arg!

On a brighter side, I do have great expectations, and even dreams for this mission. As a Star Trek fan, I can’t help but dream that we’ll get over our selfish self, and because we can explore the universe, boldly go where no one has gone before, we’ll lose our drive for money, work to make humanity awesome, and to better ourselves.

By living on another planet, we’d start to care about people, and by really caring, we’d find cures for sick children, stop poisoning our food and our minds with junk and mindless entertainment.

Being aware of such incredible possibilities, I regret not having followed my deepest interests. I regret that I haven’t stayed true to my nerd nature. Instead of doing porn, my mind is rambling about how I could have helped build the spaceship to go to Mars. Okay, maybe not build the spaceship, but do other meaningful things to help humanity.

Instead, I’m just a porn star trying to make people interested in making themselves a better version of who they are through weekly blog posts. I share my contagious smile through pictures everyday in the hope of making people a little happier. And I rant about how amazing the big rocket is, and nobody except for a few nerds seem to care…

Do you believe we’re going to send the first humans on Mars around 2025?