Use Simplicity to Take Action

When something is complicated, the mind bumps into, and focus on the complexity instead of taking action. To help you take action, breaking down what you want to do in simple, clear, small and easy tasks will often do the trick. When a task is so small that it takes only a minute to do, it’s easy to have a first win. That easy win will grow into more successes.

Whether it’s exercise, eating better, creativity, work, un-cluttering, or learning new skills, using simplicity is an easy to reproduce system for everything in your life that you feel needs a change. Starting simple, clear, small and easy will compound into big results over time, even if today, it seems ridiculous.

Can you think of big tasks you’ve put off because they seem too complicated, and break them into simple, clear, small and easy steps?

“When the book is open, it’s easy to lean inside and read a few lines.”

 

The Perfect Day

I love writing down how a perfect day would look like for me. I ask myself, “what if I didn’t have to work?” or “what if money wasn’t an issue?” or “what would a perfect day be like for me”.

Then I go ahead and start writing how a day would look like with these questions in mind.

At first, my real days didn’t look much like my dream days. But every time I do the exercise, I come closer to live my perfect day.

Some of the things I wrote a while back, and that are a reality now, were:

  • Wake-up to the sound of birds.
  • Go for a walk with my dog every morning.
  • Exercise everyday.
  • Take some time to connect with the precious people in my life and tell them how much I love them, and how important they are to me.
  • Play.

What would a perfect day look like for you? 

 

Ask Great Questions

Our mind is always chatting, and we let it drift to where ever it wants to go. It sometimes tells us shit we wouldn’t dare think of telling someone we care and love.

But we end up telling ourselves unacceptable, harmful, demeaning, destructive things without even fighting back.

It’s like this flow of thoughts that if only we could redirect, would let us have an extraordinary life.

I found a great way to direct my flow of thoughts into positive, constructive thinking.

I ask myself great questions. They start with “what” and “how”, almost never with “why”.

Here’s a few I ask on a regular basis.

  • What are you not doing, but you know you should be?
  • What feels messy or confusing, and how can you make it tidy?
  • What have you been putting off because you’re scared? (this one is my favourite!)
  • What’s the most obvious change that would benefit you?

What are great questions you ask yourself?

Make a Feint

If you have something on your mind that you want to do, dream to do, wish to do, now is the right time to do it.

I hear you. I mean, I hear your excuses in my mind. Because they’re also my excuses for not doing the things I want, dream, wish I could do.

The excuses can always be boiled down to the same obstacle. And that obstacle is fear.

You know the drill. The only way to have a full life, an extraordinary life, is to face fear by doing the things we’re afraid of doing.

Surprise your fear, make a feint, and score a goal!

What have you been putting off because you’re scared?

It Doesn’t Matter What They Think

Most people agree that it doesn’t matter what other people think of them. That’s in theory.

In reality, without realizing it, we attach importance to the opinion others have about us. Yes, you do it too… and that’s okay. For now.

What they think of us matters, but we would like the tranquility that comes from not giving them any power over us through their opinions.

Start by being conscious that what they do, how they feel, and what they think isn’t in your control. Their actions, their feelings, and their thoughts belong to them.

And then do the exercise of not taking what they do, feel, or think personally.

You’re wrong 99% of the time when you give meaning to someone’s action, or you try to guess what they’re thinking of feeling. You don’t have telepathic powers. So stop acting and talking as if you had 😉

Letting Go

There are things that you have to let go in your life because they act like poisons. It’s hard because that thing you have to let go is usually connected to intense feelings.

And the brain has a way to remind you of that thing you need to let go for your own good. It seems to pop from now where, and even though you don’t want to think about it, a subtle cue can trigger the thing to emerge from deep within.

You need to be aware of the cue that triggers your thing, and prepare something to replace it -your thing- whenever it comes up. It could be as simple as “if I start thinking about my thing, I’ll sing Brother John until it goes away”.

Letting go is going to be much easier if you remove everything that reminds you your thing. It’s a process that can take years, but the sooner you eliminate triggers, the faster you’ll let go. And when you let go, your mind is free to focus on positive things.

Morning Ritual

Whether it’s exercise, meditation, or journaling, a morning ritual isn’t so much about the activity you do, but more about the habit of reflection. Taking time to examine what’s going on in your life, to look inside yourself.

It helps you to get conscious of the choices you make during the day, and gives you direction and purpose. Because you’re prepared for the day, you’ll be able to act -not react- with love, patience, and understanding.

You already have a morning ritual. Is it one that primes you for the day? Being aware of your current morning ritual will open your eyes on the kind of days you usually have.

Every morning, you build your day. Every day you build your life.

 

The One

Most people know that their partner will hardly ever change because they ask or want them to. If they don’t know that yet, they soon find it out the hard way. Still, it’s astounding the number of people who say they will succeed in changing something they dislike in their partner.

When someone makes a change, it’s often with great effort, and only if he or she has strong reasons to do so.

Wouldn’t it be easier to find someone who has less of the things you don’t want, and more of those that you want? Of course, if you don’t know what you’re looking for in the first place, how can you ever find the one?

Can Couples want to Have Sex Again?

From the comments on the post “Why Couples Stop Having Sex“, it may seem like it’s the woman who doesn’t want to have sex anymore. I hope you’ll trust that this is not the case, and that man also have loss of desire for sex. With this fact out of the way, lets see what turns us on.

Arousal is what turns the ons on and the offs off. It doesn’t say what counts as a signal to turn someone on or off. We learn what is sexually relevant to us through experience and culture.

That’s why some people are turned on by a slow and sensual blowjob, while others get aroused just by thinking about anal sex. Smell, touch, what you see, what you hear, what you think about can all be stimuli to get aroused.

You need a successful experience to tell your brain that what you just lived is sexually relevant. Your sexual excitation and inhibition systems can’t be learned from a book, only through experience.

The way male and female learn about sex is different. What is sexually relevant and is potentially a threat for men is not the same as for women. I know, who would’ve guessed?

Can we change our sexual excitation and inhibition systems? No, but yes. You can’t change the systems that much, but you can change what it responds to. You can change what your “brakes” consider a threat, and you can also increase the sexual relevant things in your life.

So, can couples want to have sex again? The answer is an absolute yes.


You may not want to read the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski, so I’ll do it for you, and distill the essence in a few posts. Of course, reading the book would give you much more information to put into practice, and might guide you on a healing path.

P.S.: I think you guys are awesome and very open to post your comments on such an intimate subject. Thank you for your honesty!

 

 

Why Couples Stop Having Sex

I’ve been puzzled with the reasons why some couples, who love each other very much, who are attracted to each other, and where the relationship is thriving, would suddenly stop having sex, or find themselves not having sex as much as they would like to.

To understand this conflict, we have to understand how the sexual brain works. It has an “accelerator”, which responds to sexual stimulation, but it also has “brakes”. The “brakes” responds to every reason not to be turned on at this very moment. This is called the dual control model. How sensitive an individual is to the “brakes” and the “accelerator” impacts the way she/he responds to sex stimulation throughout the world, and they are connected to their moods and environment.

The dual control model is made of two elements.

The first one is the sexual excitation system, the “accelerator”. It computes the relevant sexual information in the environment: what you see, hear , smell, touch, taste, imagine. Then it sends a “Turn On!” signal to the genitals.

The second one is the sexual inhibition system, the “brakes”. There are two kinds of “brakes”: one that works like the “accelerator” by noticing everything in the environment that could be a threat, and thus sending a “Turn Off!” signal.

Both systems are working all day long to either turn us on or off.

The other kind of “brake” like a chronic, low-level “No thank you” signal. Where the first is a fear of consequences, the second is a fear of performance failure, as in worrying about not having an orgasm.

Once we know whether the problem is not enough stimulation to the “accelerator” or too much to the “brakes”, you can figure out how to create some changes.

We’re all the same because everyone has sexual “accelerator” and “brakes” in their nervous systems. We’re also all different because we have a distinct sensitivity to what arouses us.

Learn more about the dual control model in the book Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski.